You know why people in this country are getting fat. Lazy! Yesterday I was pushing my cart down the supermarket aisle and picked up two hitchhikers.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"
The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"
The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. What did the the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on a head, I'll just hang around!
Q. What exam do young witches have to pass?
A. A spell-ing test!
Q. Why did the barber win the race?
A. Because he took a short cut.
Q. What is a tornado?
A. Mother nature doing the twist!
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."