LAUREL & HARDY OF 21ST CENTURY
Authors: Bernadeta Obertová, Zuzana Mihalčinová, Miroslava karásková + Mgr. Miljana Mišová
Gymnázium Varšavská, Žilina; kategória III. AJ b) VT
(a wall: 2 flats, the alarm clock is ringing, Z and B turn it down)
B: (yawning) Good morning.
Z: Not really.
B: Oh, such a lovely day. The birds are singing, the sky is as blue as the deepest ocean. Everything…
Z: Goes to hell. I hate Mondays. Another cold early morning, the birds are yelling and the stupid sun is just punching my face. I´d rather…
B: Get up so quickly and stretch my arms (stretching arms) and legs (stretching whole body) and my back…
Z: Hurts so awfully, again! I feel like…
B: I want to kiss every bit of light that touches my body. (looking around) well, let´s…
Z: (takes the comb) tame you, my nasty curls. (looks at her hair) Oh, don´t look at me like that. We have…
B : nothing to talk about. Just perfect. (looking in the “mirror” ) When I look in the mirror I can see…
Z: an ugly tired pig. (trying to move her back) auch!
B: (trying to “look perfect”) oh, that hurts.
Z: Now I have to…
B: brush my shiny little teeth, my sparkling stars…
Z: Yellow and far away from each other. (brushing, Z looks at the watch) All right, it´s time to take a nap.
B: I still have time to do my exercise. ( B turns on the music, doing exercise)
Z: (wakes up) What the hell is going on? (looks at the wall) Damn neighbours! (shouting) Can´t you just turn it down? I am trying to sleep!
B: And I am trying to be healthy. Not like you, you selfish pig!
Z:What? At least I´m not trying to look like some freaky fitness girl I´m satisfied with my appearance!
B: Oh, you aren´t. Stop lying!
Z: (hesitates) Ok, I´m lying, so what? Everybody does that ... Sometimes.
B: (continues exercising)
Z: (after a while) I swear I´m gonna destroy this wall and kick your... (pause, Z joins the exercising for a while; stops herself) No! ...ass!
B: I hate her.
(continue to do their own thing)
Z: (having smelly breakfast) Breakfast! Finally. Some eggs, a bit of salt and...
B: Cereal! My beloved portion of cereal!
Z: I meant cheese.
(eating, the smell is spreading)
B: (reaction to the smell)Oh! Ooh! My nose is burning! What a disgusting smell! (zazrie na stenu, pomaly sa zdvihne zo stoličky, ide ku stene) Well, it seems like we have to argue again. Have you left the door of the toilet open?
Z: Have I? (Confused) Oh! You mean the breakfast! Don´t you like the smell?
B: Can´t you just open the window at least? You must´ve caught a skunk in the wood...
Z: Excuse me? This is a very expensive cheese right from Switzerland!
B: Oh, Switzerland. (Pretending to be interested) Can I ask you something?
Z: Yes, of course.
B: Are there many skunks in Switzerland? Because the smell is really stinging my eyes! AND my nose!
Z: That´s enough! That’s just the last drop! I am not willing to talk to you any longer! And I won´t talk to you anymore! Ever!
B: Fine! I hope your mouth will remain shut till the end of my days!
Z: It will be shut only when you are around!
B: Then why are you talking to me?
Z: Because I want to! I have the right to talk!
B: But you said that you were not going to talk to me.
Z: I’ve changed my mind!
Z: Because I hate you!
B: No-o-o! I hate YOU!
Z: I hated you first!
B: And I´ll hate you endlessly!
Z: You, you are...an awful human creature. (More calmly)
B: And you make me puke into my bowl of cereal...
Z: Please, help yourself!
B: (puts away the bowl) Well, Thank you for destroying my morning ritual. Don´t you have other things to do?
Z: Oh, be sure I do. But no one could ignore someone so...
B: ...WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Z: That you´re stupid and I´m gonna say that again! You´re stupid, selfish, heartless and annoying!
B: And you are disgusting, fat, idiotic and you smell like a cesspool!
Z: (furious but calmly) I swear, if you say that again I will break into your house and tear apart all your fitness programs, cereal and milkshakes!
B: OH! YOU WON´T DARE!
Z: Oh yes, I will. Stop attacking me, or you will see your healthy products in the trash!!
B: Okay, calm down! I´m just telling the truth!
B: Don´t be dramatic and cope with it. Truth hurts.
Z: Garn, why me? Why do I have a neighbour like this?
B:If I´m such a bad person, then why don´t you just move out? It would be easier. For both of us.
Z: Well, I´d love to... But this is MY FLAT! And I like it here (looking around) most of the time. Why don´t you move out?
B: Because I don´t want to, okay? And if you weren´t here, it would be far better. But my job...
Z: ...Is here, I understand... Talking about job, mine starts in an hour.
B: So is mine. And I feel like I´m having a headache. So how about one-hour friends?
Z: Let´s just say one-hour neighbours without any hassles.
B: That seems fair.
Finishing breakfast, Z is taking her mobile phone to connect to the Internet, B is taking her book
Z: Okay, I still have time to check my facebook.
B: Hm, I still have some time... Maybe I should read a book.
Z: Oooh, I ´ve got 3 new messages. Let´s see...
B: (hears the sound of “clicking”) Phh, who needs a social life when I can have a book?
Z: I´m gonna pretend I haven’t heard that...back to my profile: Oh, not her, not again! “You should´ve been at Harry´s party yesterday! It was so awesome!” Oh my dear I am sincerely full of regrets... (ironically) ,”I ´m so sorry. I was busy. Hope you enjoyed it!“ Thank God I wasn´t there!
B: Oh you little liar. I knew you were troublesome! How could you do that? Tell me, how?? And she believed you, but you cheated on her, you, you... cheater! (talking to the book)
Z: Next one. Camilla´s message: “Send this to other eight people or someone very close to you will die in 10 days. A little girl once didn´t send it and in a week and three days her mother was dead.“ Oh come on, who could possibly believe that? Del-e-te.
B: (reading from the book) “How could this happen?“ asked Carmen with tears in her eyes. “I have no clue”, responded Juan calmly. ”Poor little girl, she´s so young and she´s already lost her mother. But her mother was always full of life, who would say that 10 days ago? It´s a mystery. “
Z: And the third one. Just from my sister. But look at this! Caroline has just updated something! It says: “Just watching 16 and pregnant on MTV. Best show ever”. Oh girl, you probably meant the most stupid show ever, didn´t you? But... maybe I should hit the like so they would think I´m interested...
B: And now you, Fernando! Why did you make Juan´s 16- year old sister pregnant? She´s just 16! She´s not ready to become a mother! (continues reading) What? Juan is cool with it? You must be kidding me. Th-this would never happen in real life. Because I guess nobody likes it when a young girl is expecting a baby. Nobody likes it.
Z: I´m hitting like! This is not the real me, but they don´t know it. (looking on the watch) Just ten minutes!
B: (looking on the watch) I should hurry or I´ll be late.
Z a B are going to their “bathrooms”; changing to Laurel and Hardy costumes
Z: Where is my black hat? (looking around) never mind, I´ll take the green one.
Pause, Z looks in the mirror, gets furious, complete nervous breakdown
Z: I´m done! I´m done with everything! (shouting to the mirror) I´m done with you! Why do you always pretend? Like, all the time?
B: (thinks Z is talking to her)Heeeey, I thought we were one-hour neighbours without any hassles!... At least I didn´t start it.
Z: I wasn´t talking to you!
B: So you´re not talking to me? Again?
Z: No. I mean yes! OOooh!!! (totally angry, destroying things around) I´m done with pretending! All my life I´ve only been pretending. But I won´t pretend anymore that I like you. Even if it´s just for one hour!
B: You know what? You´re right. One-hour peace... what a stupid idea it was.
Z:I am totally fed up with all this! The mask that I´m wearing is driving me crazy! ...(nearly crying)I don´t want to pretend anymore. (gets calm, sits on the floor next to the wall)This is not me. Why do I do this?
B: Because everybody does... (sits on the floor as well) I do that too... For example, I don´t like exercising. At all. I was doing it just to see you angry. Kind of..
B: Do you think that you can find a person who has never ever pretended anything?
Z: I guess that´s impossible. Everyone has to put on a costume of somebody else, even though it´s only once in their life.
B: You´re right. Even clowns or comedians pretend sometimes, for example. They aren´t always as happy as everybody thinks. But they can cry only in the rain, when the teardrops cannot be seen. (standing) People are simply humans. All those covers over our personalities are just a sort of protection. We do feel ashamed sometimes because of ourselves, so we´re just trying to hide our dark sides. Stop thinking about it. There’s no use. The only thing you can do is to try to avoid pretending but don´t be upset if you fail. You´re just a human.
Z: Yeah. Thank you.
B: What did you say?
Z: ehm, thank you?
B: I can´t believe you just said that.
Z: Me neither (stands up with smile). But we have broken our agreement anyway.
B: Never mind. At least we can continue in our hassle.
Z: Right. Stinky rat.
B: Mangy pig
Z and B continue with changing, arguing a bit
B: You smell like facilities
Z: At least I don´t smell like you.
B: Do you have some more skunks except those from breakfast? Did you bake them for dinner?
Z: Baked or alive, anyway thinner than you. Your TV programs are helpless, my dear (ironically).
B: You are the one who should talk about that. By the way, if you get a heart attack I won´t call the ambulance.
Z: If you break your leg while doing some kind of “double step” I won´t call it either.
B: you´re helpless.
Z: you´re awful.
Finishing the changing process, going out from their “flats”)
B: Oh, there´s my man!
Z: I can see you now, my best friend !
Z: ready for fun?
B: ready for adventure?
Z: of course I am
B: Then, come on, buddy
Z a B: we´re ready to act!